Apparently they research ways of making quick money. On the internet. And that’s what they came up with.

“Hey, honey.”

“What?”

“You’re fat.”

“Thanks, you’re such a thoughtful spouse. I’ve tried losing it. What should I do?”

“How about lipo?”

“Um, we have newborn babies. I don’t think we can afford it.”

“Let’s research it on the internet, the fount of useful and absolutely unimpeachable, truthful information!”

“That’s a great idea.”

Later…

“Babe, I’ve got it. Let’s sell the children.”

“What?!”

“Sell the twins. They should bring enough for your surgery.”

“Um, okay, let’s do it!”

However, the woman claims she gave her babies away to a friend who couldn’t have her own due to a weak heart. We’ll see if that story pans out.

[Times Online via Buuzz.com]

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Seems he got arrested before he could throw the obligatory “I Just Sold My Teenage Daughter for Alcohol and Beef” Barbecue Event. It gets worse. Police found out about the case when the hubby-to-be reneged on the deal. The daddy then went to the police to see about getting his daughter back. Sigh. I cannot even begin to imagine how that conversation went.

I want to file a complaint about my daughter being gone. Was she kidnapped, sir? No, no. I sold her but the guy didn’t pay up so now I’m gonna need to repossess her, I guess.

I’m afraid there’s more. Police say arranged marriages in this small farming community have become a big problem. No word on whether a couple pounds of spare ribs were involved in any of the other marriages. Police arrested an 18-year-old man for statutory rape in connection with this case. They think the girl went with him willingly but as she’s under the legal age of consent in California, she can’t get married.

Um, Becky? What’s goin’ on over there in California?

Image by nickwheeleroz licensed under Creative Commons.

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TOKYO – JUNE 16: Life size sex dolls are displayed at Orient Industry’s showroom on June 16, 2007 in…

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I am already shuddering at the comment spam this story is going to draw. But the Cairns Post reports that a man is breaking into local sex shops and well, I”m not going to sugarcoat it. He’s breaking into sex shops and having sex with the dolls. There, I said it.

After he violates the inanimate victims, the culprit leaves them in a nearby street. Police were able to collect DNA at the last crime scene. They think the suspect, described as a tall, skinny Caucasian, may also have left a fingerprint on one of the dolls and on some lubricant in the store. No word on whether he left a phone number for any of his new plastic “friends” to call him.

The owner of the last shop robbed says the man has broken in on other occasions. The burglar has the unusual habit of cleaning up after his crimes. Also, the sex shop owner mentioned the burglar has a particular liking for the “Jungle Jane” model of sex doll. The guy’s getting bolder too, as during his last break-in attempt he cut a hole in the roof and then climbed down the wall to get away. That time he got scared off by a new alarm system.

Alright, we will be policing this story for the usual bizarre comments. We do not need to know your shopping habits or your sex doll preferences, seriously. We don’t make the dumb news, we just report it.

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Alleged billionaire fraudster Bernard ‘Bernie’ Madoff leaves Manhattan Federal court. Pictured: Bernard ‘Bernie’ Madoff Picture by: Splash News

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That’s the question on the table in Washington today. Lawmakers are trying to figure out how the Securities and Exchange Commission, a vital part of making sure our economy doesn’t collapse, has allowed our economy to collapse.

 Yahoo News reports many of the questions SEC officials will face from the House Financial Services Committee revolve around Bernard Madoff’s $50 billion Ponzi scheme. Regulators apparently received tips about Madoff but didn’t do anything about them, costing more investors billions of dollars.

It’s understandable how that little fiasco might have slipped through the cracks, though, as the SEC was busy doing things like preventing the collapse of investment bank Lehman Bros. Uh, wait, they didn’t do that either. Seriously, what are those regulators doin’ over there? Watching Lou Dobbs and Suze Orman reruns? If government officials catch stuff like this on the front end, there is a lot less need for them to offer bailouts on the back end.

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When I saw this story on The Smoking Gun, I just had a feeling it would be time to dust off our “Only In the South” story tag. Sure enough, this one comes to us from my home state of Louisiana.

It seems that early Saturday morning, 19-year-old Brittany Phillips wanted some “bom-chicka-wah-wah” from her boyfriend, 35-year-old Todd Stewart. He was not in the mood, perhaps the first recorded case of a 35-year-old man not being interested in the teenage girl in his bed.

In any case, the Ouchita Parish Sheriff’s Department says the two agree on that much. When Stewart left the bedroom Phillips stabbed him in the face, she acknowledges stabbing him but says it was in self-defense. Phillips got charged with aggravated battery while Stewart was charged with simple battery.

And don’t you just know Phillips already had two outstanding warrants: one for damage to property and one for simple battery.

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O.J. Simpson already pulled an incredibly boneheaded move in his attempted robbery to recover his own sports mementos. But Associated Press reports prosecutors offered Simpson a plea deal that would have cut down his time. Simpson refused it, his lawyer saying there was nothing in the deal that was acceptable.

Gee, after Simpson got a sentence between nine and 33-years I’ll bet whatever the prosecutors offered looks pretty good. The fallen football star will be at least 70 before he’s even eligible for parole. And since he got convicted of violent felonies “good time” credits won’t be on the table. Legal experts are saying there’s no guarantee Simpson will get parole, either.

Clark County District Court Judge Jackie Glass said this wasn’t any kind of “payback” for the double murder charges O.J. skated on in 1994. But don’t you just know Marcia Clark and Chris Darden are smiling a little bit today? Meanwhile, Johnnie Cochran is looking down and saying “I told that fool to stay away from the legal system.”

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Oh yeah, you knew I was blogging about this nonsense. Chad Johnson had established what seemed to be an insurmountable lead in becoming Simply Dumb’s Athlete of the Year. But then Plaxico (pronounced Plex-i-Co or if you prefer, Blithering Idiot) Burress went and accidentally shot himself in the leg at a New York nightclub.

Sigh, make us at least work for this stuff. It gets better as multiple layers of stupidity are piled on. The physician that treated Burress is now on suspension for not reporting the gunshot wound. Police found out about it from TV reports (and blogs, I’m betting blogs were involved) making Mayor Mike Bloomberg even more angry than he would be ordinarily.

As part of the city’s increased security measures since 9/11 Bloomberg has locked down on two important items: concealed weapons and public smoking. Concealed weapons because of their obvious public safety danger and public smoking – because, well, he really hates public smoking. Terrorists are notorious tobacco abusers I’m sure.

The Giants have suspended Burress for the remainder of the season in a largely symbolic gesture. The NFL’s conduct policy would have likely taken Burress out for the season anyway. That or the gaping bullet wound left in his leg, I imagine.

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He apparently caused about $2K (Australian) in damage. The boy didn’t give a statement, but police suspect he may have had a little too much to drink.

Do we have to state the obvious? What in the world was he thinking, breaking into a police station? There had to be alcohol or drugs involved. Really, is anyone that stupid?

The police had a sense of humor about it. Their statement on their web site said: “A teenage boy has discovered the quickest way of getting arrested is to break into a police station.”

Ya think?

[source] image: morgueFile

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In addition to normal taco toppings, the couple found a small bag of marijuana. So they of course called the cops. (Would you be tempted to keep it, rather than calling authorities? Just curious.)

Turns out that the guy that waited on the couple did it. Oh, he denied it. Until a police dog found more marijuana in a locker. Then he admitted that it was meant for a friend. Oops.

Well, at least the mary jane was in a baggie and not just sprinkled into the tacos, right? How would you explain that if you later tested positive for marijuana, but had no knowledge of how you ingested it? That would make an even crazier story!

[source] Image: Newscom

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A family in Northern California decided to cremate their elderly mom after she died. Hey, lots of people get cremated, right? Yup. Except this was a do-it-yourself cremation. They wanted to keep collecting her retirement checks – to the tune of $25,000 – and disposed of her body on a makeshift barbecue.

The woman’s daughter and grandson were arrested for embezzlement, disposing of a body without a permit, and elder abuse. It’s probable that the woman, Ramona Allmond, died of natural causes at 84 years old.

But the daughter and grandson told police that they left her body on her bedroom floor for a week before cremating her in a fire pit in the back yard. One detective thought they may have been trying to honor Allmond’s wish to die at home and be cremated.

I don’t think she quite had that in mind, though.

This was all discovered when the son wondered what happened to mom. So she died, and his sister didn’t even bother to tell him? Did we mention she died in December?

Seriously, folks, this is all kinds of messed up. If you decide you want to be cremated, you might want to tell your family not to treat it as a do-it-yourself project. We’re just sayin’.

[Image: sxc] [source]

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