Simply Dumb

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When I saw this story on The Smoking Gun, I just had a feeling it would be time to dust off our “Only In the South” story tag. Sure enough, this one comes to us from my home state of Louisiana.
It seems that early Saturday morning, 19-year-old Brittany Phillips wanted some “bom-chicka-wah-wah” from her boyfriend, 35-year-old Todd Stewart. He was not in the mood, perhaps the first recorded case of a 35-year-old man not being interested in the teenage girl in his bed.
In any case, the Ouchita Parish Sheriff’s Department says the two agree on that …read more

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As a resident of the Dallas area I have long since quit fooling with the overpriced rides at the Texas State Fair. No, the real ride here is the sugar rush you’ll get from the fair’s infamous confections.
The event takes Southern cuisine to a whole ‘nother level of decadence. The Houston Chronicle reports on the finalists for the annual Big Tex Choice Awards to determine the best fried food. Those distinguished dishes include deep fried s’mores, a fried banana split, fried chocolate truffles, a fried grilled cheese sandwich and the piece de resistance, fried Jelly Belly jellybeans.
If your arteries haven’t …read more

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We’ve all seen “men at work” signs, haven’t we? Does it bother you that it says “men” instead of “women” or instead of just “workers ahead”?
Well it does bother Cynthia Good, editor of PINK Magazine. So much so that she demanded that Atlanta take down all of the “men at work” and “men working ahead” signs.
And yes, the city’s going to do it. Now, really, should we care? Even as a feminist, I can find plenty of other things that are discriminatory and more worth my time than a stupid construction sign.
The article quoted Good as saying she wanted to …read more

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Let me begin by saying I happen to live in Dallas County so I ashamed of but not really surprised by the incident I am about to share with you. Dallas County is running an estimated $34 million short on its budget so county commissioners are looking for cash in every place they can.
Budget matters, as you would expect, are getting very heated. On Monday county commissioners were discussing problems processing traffic tickets. Commissioner Ken Mayfield referred to the county’s central collections as “a black hole.” You know, the gravitational disturbance that even rubes like myself are pretty familiar …read more

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This should be a no-brainer, but then I guess that could apply to several of our stories. Please folks, don’t drink and visit graveyards.
According to Dallas’ Fox 4 News police in Denton, TX (time to polish off that Only in the South story tag) got a call about a driver going in circles inside Oakwood Cemetery. Oh, and the driver was destroying gravestones in the process.
The officer that responded to the scene saw a blue minivan coming at him. When the driver noticed the officer, she reportedly began pouring beer out of the van window. Yeah, that pouring the …read more

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A Georgia man was released from jail and started walking home. There was only one problem with that. He was naked. Or, as they say in the South, he was nekkid.
He was arrested again and charged with public indecency. When they release people from jail, they give them clothes. So what happened?
Apparently the man thought the clothes he was given were stolen. Huh? Wait, it gets better. The report said the man “appeared rational, except for being naked.”
Excuse us? We don’t think paranoia is considered part of the definition of rational. Because if he thought the clothes he was given …read more

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We just couldn’t make this up even if we tried, y’all. A man in Florida has a warrant out for his arrest after he missed his court date. Hey, that happens, right? Well, it’s what he was on trial for that’s of interest.The man was facing charges for exposure of sexual organs, trespassing, and disorderly conduct. For what? A naked encounter with an alligator. In March, Adrian Apgar was found naked in a pond at Saddle Creek Park, where he was headed toward an alligator that was offshore.
This isn’t his first encounter with law enforcement. About a year and a …read more

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More of the awesomely awesomeness that comes from the (almost) South. Vehicle sales at a small town auto dealer are soaring after they launched a new promotion this week. The dealer is promoting a free handgun or $250 of gas with every auto purchase.
And it’s working. Max Motors in Butler, Missouri has sold 30 vehicles in three days. Sales have quadrupled, according to owner Mark Muller.
Most of the buyers choose the gun over the gas.
And here’s where it gets even more interesting, folks. Muller started the sale because of Barack Obama. But not because of Hillary’s absurd assassination talk today, …read more

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While we’re on the recent subject of dumb criminals, here’s another one to add to the list. Oh, yeah, it’s from the South, too.
An Arkansas thief got the munchies during a heist and it was his undoing. Brian Bass of Jonesboro left a half-eaten Snickers bar on the counter of an animal hospital that he was robbing.
Police sent the candy bar to the lab, and technicians were able to pull a DNA sample. The sample matched Bass. He was in the database for serving time on another charge. He later confessed.
Bass was already on probation after serving time for being …read more

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A New Orleans Burger King was visited by a guy in drag – with a gun. Security cameras caught the man on tape, crawling into the drive-thru window.
He pulled up, crawled through the window, brandishing a gun. Video shows him pointing the gun at employees and grabbing money. He then exited through the same window and took off.
WDSU-New Orleans’ crime and safety specialist Howard Robertson said that he could tell by the truck’s rims that it wasn’t a Ford or GM. He also said the man was probably a genuine cross dresser, and not just someone trying to hide his …read more

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