Simply Dumb

Under the “some people should not have children” category, we have this gem from Belgium. A mother was accused of selling her newborn twin sons in order to finance her liposuction surgery.
Apparently they research ways of making quick money. On the internet. And that’s what they came up with.
“Hey, honey.”
“What?”
“You’re fat.”
“Thanks, you’re such a thoughtful spouse. I’ve tried losing it. What should I do?”
“How about lipo?”
“Um, we have newborn babies. I don’t think we can afford it.”
“Let’s research it on the internet, the fount of useful and absolutely unimpeachable, truthful information!”
“That’s a great idea.”
Later…
“Babe, I’ve got it. Let’s sell the …read more

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When I saw this story on The Smoking Gun, I just had a feeling it would be time to dust off our “Only In the South” story tag. Sure enough, this one comes to us from my home state of Louisiana.
It seems that early Saturday morning, 19-year-old Brittany Phillips wanted some “bom-chicka-wah-wah” from her boyfriend, 35-year-old Todd Stewart. He was not in the mood, perhaps the first recorded case of a 35-year-old man not being interested in the teenage girl in his bed.
In any case, the Ouchita Parish Sheriff’s Department says the two agree on that …read more

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A pizza delivery man in Australia is going to have to find another way to deliver pizzas – or find another job. While on his way to deliver a pie, he was caught going 33 miles (53 km) over the speed limit. Ouch – that’s about 82 in a 50 mile zone.
And get this, not only was he just 20 years old, but he had a provisional license. But hey, he was 20 minutes late getting the pizza out, so he had to speed, right?
Police waited for the man to finish delivering pizza before stopping him. And on his way …read more

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You steal somebody’s credit card and then sign your own name to the receipt. That’s what the Iowa City Press Citizen reports 21-year-old Kody David Merrival did. He’s accused of using the credit card to buy a latte at a coffee house and cigarettes from a tobacco store. When he used the credit card to buy the cigarettes, he signed his own name. Sigh. It gets better – or worse, I guess I should say.
Police said he also tried to use the card at another store and that time it came up stolen. Then our criminal mastermind brought …read more

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As the saga of the two Georgia men who claimed to find Bigfoot continues, it turns out that one of the men involved is a police officer. Er, was a police officer.
Matt Whitton was fired from Clayton County Police. The police chief didn’t find all that lying very funny. It ruined Whitton’s credibility. Especially since it seems the hoaxers were in it for the money.
In fact, the Sasquatch Detective site is instigating action against the two men. The site paid the men an undisclosed amount of money so they could see the supposed Bigfoot carcass.
Amazingly, the men claim they didn’t …read more

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People who steal from the sick and infirm are some of the worst types of criminals. If you steal from someone who can’t help herself you are an awful opportunist. And yes, you suck. There, I said it.
A British woman, Yvonne Allen, pled guilty to charges of theft after she was caught stealing money from a terminally ill woman she was supposed to care for. The ill woman’s family suspected her after money was missing.
Thelma Sampson’s family planted a camera in a teddy bear after they became suspicious of Allen. Money went missing the first day Allen came …read more

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The crazy is out in force, y’all. An Ohio woman was arrested after she threatened her husband with knives. She chased him down the street. While naked.
Elizabeth Springer was in the bath with her 1-year-old daughter when her husband, Ryan, heard the girl crying. He thought that his wife was trying to harm the little girl, so he took the child and went into another room. It was shortly after that when Elizabeth came at him with a knife in each hand.
If your spouse comes at you with a crazed look in his or her eye, wielding two knives? Run. …read more

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Sometimes we’re pretty sure that crimes are spur-of-the-moment things. Because if these guys thought these things through at all we wouldn’t have half the stories that we do.
Case in point. Guy walks into a bank. Demands money. Writes demand note on the back of his own check. No, really. Patrick Johnson of Florida did just that. And then, he took off in a cab. Yes, a cab.
Amazingly, he was caught a few blocks away from the robbery. Imagine that.
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Drug smugglers keep trying to come up with new and inventive ways to move their “wares.” And Frank Keys Jr. of New Orleans probably won’t live this one down for quite a while.
Keys was in a car pulled over for a traffic violation. When DEA agents searched the car, the drug sniffing dog alerted and everyone in the car was ordered out for a search.
During the pat-down, Keys was found with a large hard object in his pants. Um, yeah. Either he was happy to see the officers or he had a 257 gram package of heroin in his pants. …read more

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First Coast News brings us a report of a pizza place employee who robbed his place of employment, while still wearing his uniform. Sigh. Joseph Whittenton broke into Jacksonville’s Hungry Howie’s Pizza early Wednesday morning.
Police arrived to find cash and credit card receipts missing and visible signs of forced entry. The owner of the restaurant (the story doesn’t identify him as Hungry Howie, which disappoints us) showed police the surveillance camera tape. They promptly arrested Whittenton. We’re assuming they ridiculed him as well.
But just in case they didn’t, we’re making sure he gets his just desserts here on our …read more

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